todd's Journal

1:13am: Its funny how docile the Germans have become, i saw on tv a little segment on Obama which is a frequent topic in the states next to how bad the econonmy is blah blah who fucking cares. But all the Germans were holding up American flags, and Obama was on the stand with his over the top speech about how Great America is, with germans cheering for their American fuhrer. I think they put more vehemence in their cheers, not because they love america so much for saving them from evil as the fuhrer happens to be black because of more superficial obvious reasons we know the Germans are capable of after losing a war. If the president was white, i truely dont think these germans would have cared much. Theres no way in hell you would see the French doing this no matter what color the president is, they dont need to prove anything. i could be wrong though, this is just whim thinking. Why the fuck is a European country cheering for another country in the first place, maybe i cant think on European standards because im an american that has yet made to be submissive to another country. But maybe Americans will be waving Chinese or Russian flags in 30 or 40 years from now.

2:01pm: Hello everyone. The happy yule holidays are approaching as we all know. Lots of happiness and joy around the world at this very moment. Blissful tidings surrounding us in a holy rapture of moments of desire. Christmas carriages with shiny ornaments and reafs, the smell of evergreen and horse manure. Or the smell of evergreen and exaust. Whichever one you deal with depending on the time period you grew up in. I grew up in the 20th century, around...40 years after the holocaust,world destruction and the last
tradition war, which is quite awesome in my book. But i digress here.

At this very moment i am very happy. How long this great happiness will last, im quite sure i have a vague idea. Maybe ten minutes, maybe ten months...but who cares about the future, right? So i will keep you updated on my blissful happiness great joyful gleeful life. I still live with my mother. But i dont mind. I could have moved out with my party friends long ago, but that would be unwise direction for my temperament. I have no funds to live on my own, unfortunately, so it is wise to live with my mother. I am no parasite mind you, i help pay bills, etc. I'd rather live with my dear mother than most my friends. I would actually have less independence living with friends than my mother. I like my alone time, and messy,noisey environements does not suit me. I also dont have to deal with drama, which is good for me, but for other people, not so good, people love the drama, especially people 14-27;maybe older depending on person. So yes, i am happy living with my mommy. I do plan on moving out with my girlfriend-who also lives with her mommy-after i graduate from my local overpriced technical college. My major is, if i graduate, computer programming. I am also a uncle, my sister has a beautiful 5 month year old daugther named Aurora. And me and one of my few friends has a storage unit now where we practice music, we have no hopes and aspirations to become great rockstars, we play punk and i mix blackmetal in it subtlely.

I have been playing a lot of videogames recently, i havent played this much since i was 14. Right now its the great rpg, legend of Mana. What a badass game...fuck the new systems, im still trying to finish games on psx and psx2. I fucking despise Halo, i think of frat kids, halo is the equivalent of dave mathews band in the videogame world. Not kvlt at all. Legend of mana is kvlt.

Well that is it everyone, i have been meaning to update for a while, but everytime, i delete it and masturbate instead. I hope you have a very joyous merry great extravagant yule full of frolicking joy and no humbug motherfuckers. ps this one is for the pc white people that rarely ever speak to African Americans because their to busy being pc with their white borgeousie pc friends at pc hangouts. Niggers.

4:48pm: http://www.evilchili.com/mediaview/16104/Soldier_Throws_A_Puppy_Down_A_Cliff

the only action american soldiers get in iraq is throwing puppies down a cliff. wheres my fucking tax dollars

1:16am:

4:12pm: philosophy is such a great tool, i dont know what i would do without it. maybe jump off a bridge...

trying to live life as simple as possible, not to much complications, finding solace in reading, listening to records. focusing a lot on music...so much paths to take in life, all trodden, all paths lead to an enevitable end, i love the path shadowed by trees

2:55pm: It seems like it rains every saturday, the only day i work in the coffee place, if it rains that means its going to be extremely fucking busy. I dont know why people love to drive in the rain, i'd rather just stay home and read. I still feel content with life, sometimes i get anxiety, i feel like my mood is very fluid; not bi-polar or anything, but constantly changing, like dreams or phases. I might not be able to control the world and shape it as i please, things may not go my way, sometimes i may feel like my mind is traped in a dark box with nowhere to explore, but there is always the beauty of the past, of abstract thinking, of looking at occurences with a observant humour; as long as i have my books, free-thought, and creative powers(that may not be noticed but within a few or even just myself), if i live an honourable and noble life, a warrior code passed down for ages put forth in the 21'st century, to shrug off annoyances like dirt on a shoe, i will be happy...and die mighty.

7:43pm: i feel pretty damn good today. probably because i have a day off. I been sitting around listening to japanese punk, about to make some vegetable curry..i feel very at ease, normally im full of anxiety. moments like these are sparse. im not even on drugs. i hate drugs, the only drug i do occasionally is pot, and its a love-hate relationship. its fun when your playing music, it heightens the experience or whatever...but fucks up the equalibrium of my mind, i just cant chill like some people, i'll pace around and get very nervous in my room if i have nothing to do. It impedes my social skills than they already are and i think more than talk and people are like "are you okay". But for some odd reason i keep doing it. Its not an everyday thing for me, but if a friend offers i cant refuse, or if i find it for cheap i cant resist to buy it and be bourgeoise. I hate most stoners except the ones that are my friends and thats just about all my good friends.

I have few friends. I have a few that i hang out on a not so regular basis, its hard to keep it up with lots of friends and have hobbies, unless your hobbies are people. Extroverted people can be easily amused with whatever is in front of them, whereas introverted people are harder to please and seem sombre. that is from my observatons only. humour is the best form of communication between different peoples, if its not humour its almost superficial. i dont think im to humourous and if i am its subtle, most talk that i have is factual or abstract thoughts, so i cant communicate with the average redneck joe...i notice most guys will communicate with eachother by pointing to a woman and saying "check that out" or something between those lines. That happens to me many times, its supposed to break the ice or something, the most concrete easy topic to relate to. its fucking stupid.

4:39am: i hope you all had a nice yule. i would have sent cards, called, etc..but im a deadbeat friend. its hard enough to give family you dont live with the attention, especially for me, im lazy, i never call anyone. sometimes i feel bad, but then the 2nd perspective kicks in, and says, why feel bad when your not going to call them after feeling bad. Yule went quite well for me, i had the day off, i got lots of tea, incense, socks, cloths, book, movie..

I been a little low-key recently. Im always sick of my surroundings here, so i spend a lot of my time reading and being a hobbyist. I thought i would quit my job and be living the life of adventure, but im still in routine;though i have no fucking worries whatsoever about job, school, people, life, death. I have no connection to my material shit. I could just easily live on the street and die there and not give a fuck, not to sound all tough, but im lucky to live to the age of 22, i could be fighting trench warfare in a time not so distant

i dont even care about bettering society anymore, its doomed, everyones still not going to recycle, drive fuel-eating hummers, and be narcisstic...i have ideals i abide by, and im not going to debate with anyone because its so tiresome to get the point across to people that are in a dream world, maybe if im lucky Oprah and CNN will tell them to jump off a cliff.

12:48am: it seems to almost every girl i talk to has been raped, in some subtle form or another. first thing i think is, men are fucking worthless bastards. Its not all men though. Its a small fraction, the players, that mentally play the majority of woman and use them for sex. The reason, there is no fucking honour in this day of age. It died after ww2 and now we have pop culture and rape. Celibacy has always appealed to me for the above reasons

2:49pm: So i been meaning to update this for a while the only time i want to though is when im feeling shitty. I had a jam session with manges and mike yesterday, that went very well, but its just for us..record something someday. and then we had a get together with all the 'boys', smoked pot and drank whisky which made me melancholy. i feel like idealism is bleeding out of me, and my friends. You have these fleeting feelings with your ideals and you see it get crushed on a daily basis. I am so sick of society, i see it everyday, and me just complaining about it isnt helping any. So i just cowardly drown myself in books and thoughts. I just cant get a kick out of everything, i dont even know how to explain myself but just saying i have "weird" thoughts.

I been hanging out with my girl a lot, its a learning experience for me, like anything else. We have a lot in common but then we are complete opposites. shes quite good at playing society for her advantage whereas im stubborn with my idealogly, she has ideals, fleeting thoughts...but shes a lot more draconian in her ways, very disciplined, and her independent and womanly personality is very intimidating. Its striking how her personality changes into a docile girl when shes in my arms though....I love her, but lastnight she came over, and i couldnt grasp her jokes because my mind was somewhere else...i hope i dont take this for granted and lose it like i often do.


Im also going to quit my job very soon. They seem to have no qualms about firing people out of whim recently, theres a big story, but my friend Alisha got fired for stupid reasons and it really pisses me off. her personality just didnt comply with everyone elses. thats why it happened. its sickening. fodder gets replaced easily. and people arent enlightened they just want to subjagate and be subjagated.

12:30am: so life is so so for me downsides and upsides. its not like i have cerebral palsy. i go to school now two days a week i still work at the bookstore, its easy and im friends with everyone there but i feel like its been long enough. im living the life of routine as usual and im stuck at it, school making things even more complicated. sometimes i think, even if im out of school, making better money, im still going to hate going to work, and dealing with all the bullshit this society has to offer me. i guess you could say i dont know what i want. a girl i love says im very stoic, and i have to agree with her. sometimes im very content but then i have the urge for adventure and danger, instead, i drink beer and listen to blackmetal or drown myself in books. Love is a fucking disease to me that i dread, i hate the feeling, and i hope it never comes over me. some men are just destined to be face down in a trench. I cant wait for winter

upsides is that i finally got drums and moved it into a friends house that we were planning on doing for the past 5 months. not planning on being big rock star but i place to jam with friends, somewhat a collective. i like what we play, but most of everyone isnt really into the music, i seen the most extroverted motherfuckers become shy when it comes to the impulse of music. so i guess everyone can go yapping and let art miss them. very complicated matter. trying to get people together. the only thing that can get anyone together is alcohol, i dont know about this naive shit i was spewing a few months ago about community.

12:35am: damn its hard to keep away the decadence of the soul when decadence in your surroundings flourish. im sure some philospher pointed out that the mind is very liquid like, constantly flowing into different patterns, its a battle to keep it stable. I tried to read some philosophy earlier but i find myself not getting into it, especially if its shit like heideggar, i find a lot of it to be a big tangle of words which are very meaningless(to me). i cant get into it recently like i used to unless its simple down to earth shit like Aurelious. I think i lost a lot of spirituality in my life the past few months, it just disentegrated, mostly from being too social. i found myself walking the beach lastnight looking at my surroundings in apathy when it was a very spiritual thing for me at one time. atleast i know where im lacking. tonight im going to walk in a different perspective. so life for me has been uneventfull the past few months. mostly because i started school which was a mistake i think. i dont really know what i want to do, i started just so i could snap out of waking up at noon everyday. apathy is a big issue right now with me and half my friends i think, i think its time for us to snap out of it or we are doomed. i think thats becuase its summer and resort town mentality, everyone gets caught up in there own superficial gig and then you realize 3 months has passed and then everyone gets lonely and wants to hang out.

im trying to network more, i know theres worthy people around here even around my block i need to hook up with, its just hard if your so in your own downtrodden mental world that everyones in, i think the naive are powerful

12:22am: living life factual and punctual for others gives you no room for glory. do you really fucking enjoy driving to work passing these landscapes desolate of life? the same landscapes that humans with no passion for nothing but money have put before us. i still feel hatred, i feel like smashing videogame playing impotent college brats, and lift them up and tell them to charge or fuckin die. impotent, only here for others use. make use for yourself or others will make use for you. dont lay there pathetically waiting to die or be lifted for your not always going to be lifted into the battle. do something!!!!!!!!!!

or get married, make money, and be content and unhappy, i think i'd rather die in the battle to come!!!! your still in your fucking prime lift yourselves up. now im gonna go for a walk now and hope someone fucks with me!! ;)

12:38pm:

2:19pm: "In itself, however, pleasure is neither moral nor immoral. It is only when the desire for pleasure conquers the desire for worthiness that a human being has fallen. " -Otto Weininger
- make art not sex, men! leave that shit to the good ol' boys, keep your hobbies, make use of your abilities, but dont fall prey to seduction of sex appeal that is used to control you and exploit woman. it has been used for centuries, look at the prostitution around you, the subtle means to control you with your very own instincts. dont be meek, stand up, and even face death to destroy the ones by degrading or blows, put sexual fury into the blows into the faces of the enemy and into art, you only live once, use your natural physical inertial to deal damage, mentally feel the pain of the thorns consume your soul to strangle the life out of the enemy!!

in this world of vast art and history, adventures,
it seems to be shrouded in most minds
for they seek whats for the meek
and the stories go unnoticed
for the latest james patterson books
and maybe some fake plastic like-tits as well
to accompany their fake plastic persona's

let them fear you!!!! how do you do that, you ask. well, they are the most boring(bourgeois) there adventures of life seems to be well paid cruises, would that be an adventure???? meaningless copulation that probably istn even enjoyed and cant be put into inspirational means, but mostly to a consumer mentality. DRUGs, another thing you see much excess from the bourgeous, they do drugs just to do it, spend endless amounts of money, yet, they dont inspire from it, just something to relate with their fellow cultureless bourgeoise.
some things you cant simply just can pay for, the things of virtue, like an life transcending adventure.

12:10pm: got really good lastnight. i dontknow why i even contemplated woman in the past fuckin brainwashed i just have a good time and not give a fuck anymore. i dont feel the extra need to impress or behave my finger is fucked up from not having a guitar pick and being wasted and not feeling or caring about pain. i havent talked to a lot of you recently what the fuck is up with that. i know im a shy fuck but im going to expect a message or some shit if we stayed unity here think of the shit that could have happened

12:24pm: how have things been going. the human mind changes the mood changes, just depends on what kind of perspective your mind gives you. some days im mopey and dont want to do anything, others im more active and want to get out there. yesterday was a mopey day for me, i had a day off, i was going to go to the foodnotbombs, but i woke up really late and didnt have proper time to go dumpster diving or i just didnt really want to more like it. i was going to ride my bike all the way to myrtle beach, but i felt like a crackhead that day and just didnt have the vehmenent will to dodge traffic because myrtle beach isnt fucking bike friendly.

theres been an influx of tourist, college kids all about partying. it makes me in the mood not to party at all i dont know why, theres always a feeling of festivity in the air with it being nice outside and beautiful woman, maybe i should go to the beach. but i get bored just laying there. im going to orlando with dan to see perverted chris in a week, i didnt even know it was going to be durring easter. i just want to get the hell out of here, but orlando is another shitty resort town, but fuck it, atleast im not at work, i'll party with an old pal..why not. i been meaning to go on an adventure. i doubt it will end up a riot and squat adventure though.

i want fuckin riots, i feel so apathetic, my friend eddie yesterday was so excited, he had a revelation about life, but i was to apathetic to even relate, rob told him it dies down, but that fucking sucks, if we all have an urge to do something we should get rid of the mindframe of riddance. im still young, shit will still happen. i dont even think im in my prime right now though, im still learning about life, which makes life worth living right? even the shitty boring times theres something to learn.

i just need some time alone, i love hanging out with friends, but theres just so much inside jokes, and having to listen before you start to drift off in the netherworlds. but thats my personality and all my friends are cool with that and i love them for that. most my friends i've known since fucking highschool im not the superficial type to make friends and lose them after a few months, we learn and grow together, and maybe we can help eachother bettering ourselves. i dont know, maybe we'll just end up in jail

there is so much shit i can write and it probably wont even mean anything, thats whats cool about the use of words, just let it flow unconsciencly, i wonder if our generation will ever have something like what the lost generation did, nope..why because we can write it in cyberspace only to be lost, and then we can play some wii and not give a fuck. life is weird, there is an understanding, a mutual ways of things from friends, and we create art, a dying art, it only dies and only a few people experience those moments, and then its lost. me and mike jam out everytime and everything is great, with the impulse the vibe, but we dont even want to flip on that record button, and then we lost it, so we just smoke some pot, and maybe have those delusions of granduer conversations that will never happen. everyone is in different moods and its not very synchronized. its odd how personalities develope though, unconsicnely and then reveals itself through other minds of reflection. does that make since? probably not but i understand it fuck it i wanted to write down

12:24am: i been reading a book about german u-boats from ww2. and i really love it. but the thing is, it wont get my anywhere in life really, i might find inspiration, but learning the facts about these things is like smearing shit on your face for fun. if i watched cnn on the other hand...that might just get me somewhere, somewhere in society. if i watched cartoon network, i could get all the inside jokes to talk to almost anyone that walks the street. everyone is a dictator, a fascist, these pc fucks that talk shit about hitler are hitler themselves. humanity isnt worth much really, you can see the politics of the world right in front of your eyes. watch how drama over worthless shit unfolds in front of your very eyes. thats the same way how wars start and innocent people die. look how people try to fuck over other people. thats what the government is doing to you right now. The ones who shun idealism are the ones that dont know the meaning of it. Art is created and destroyed before anyone can appreciate it.

You are young and what do you really want in life. Most likely, you want friends, a lover, you strife for acomplishment, i know being "successful" has been programmed into my mind since i can remember. Its all just a big cliche for the people who follow it. Most people are weak as fuck. i think if someone survives on the street for a month they can be considred a Successful person. Most people are to fucking lazy to even walk down the street. And is love really that definable? Love is the most superficial thing on this planet, you have to conform for the love. But love does exist, i've experienced it before, sharing food with someone is love, if someone lets you use your blanket because you might freeze to death, thats love. Sharing experiences, hardships and helping eachother through with it is love. Love isnt valentines day, love isnt treating someone spectacular because you want to get into their pants, true love happens like death it isnt arranged and there is no definable form.


Where is the idealism? Its dead here and its been replaced

11:37pm: fight apathy with pain. same fucking story but if you add pain to the sequence you get better results and more inspiration, accept pain with love, pain is something that always happens why not experience it to the fullest you dont survive this world being a pretty white boy if you want to coexist outside the floodgates your kept in. everyday we fill a pattern to live but the pattern is broken from nontraditional thoughts of warlike tendencies deep down in your soul. im not saying to use it, but i love to hug, i love the hugs the squeezing true hugs, but i love the burns, i think if people give you pain its almost like making love because to dish out the pain is love of the soul, you will feel pain so why not prepare eachother for the pain to come. everyday you see soft people, big mouths, but pain amongst friends can be a uplifting experience. just let it go, who the fuck cares about death

2:27am:

heineken, paint and blackmetal

4:23pm: expecting men to shave is the equivalent of expecting woman to do the dishes or to always wear makeup. its fucking bullshit people look down on natural hair that grows on the face, i can get into this in-depth but i have to shave and get ready for work.

8:29pm: i feel like i have been spinning around and around, i feel dizzy for some reason, and i dont even have a hang over. its only curable by sleep, but i sleep enough so i avoid that. i think its because i have a compulsive habit of thinking to fucking much. its really bad. i really wish i could just think on one strain line. anxious...sometimes i pace, thats why i like walks so much. i cant keep at one thing for long periods of time. fast-paced society has fucked me up, playing videogames since the age of 4 has fucked my mind. all those tidbits of information flows and my mind wants more informaton, that wont even help me, the internet doesent help. so i dropped the internet alltogether. wears me down, i feel sick, mentally. im going to focus more on whats in front of me,sometimes i dont even exist to reality, not lose my ideals, but just let fate hand me the card and accept it. i dont know what im going to do, i feel more alive outside with the wind, nothing but breeze pressed against me but i somehow manage to stay in the chains of routine. not for long though even if it means death

4:16am: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yukio_Mishima
read this

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AE20l5FjR9M&mode=related&search=
watch him artistically enhanced seppaku of him to good neofolk music

or talk about the weather. i didnt even know he existed until today

4:30pm: i want a day off, im getting irritated with people and hearing their annoying ringtones and smelling thier strong perfumes everyday at work. the only time im truely happy is with myself and abstract thoughts, i hate everything being so linear and routine, i feel car sick

5:07pm: i want to compare keeping a certain mindset to a ship in a storm swaying and not trying to sink. i have no appetite. its easy to give up on things you love or lose focus. i see people doing that. not wanting to go to shows and enjoy art anymore, rather watch tv, wheres the fucking zeal?